THE TRUTH SPEAKS
It’s Shirtless! It’s Bear! It’s Fighter! IT’S SHIRTLESS BEAR-FIGHTER #3!
What is this all about?
Hello childrens, it’s your Unkie Truth, here to grace you with yet another installment of one of my favorite series running, Shirtless Bear-Fighter #3!
We had a berfday shindig for fellow podcaster Leina over the weekend, fun was had for all and The Truth decided to cook for everyone. Smoker was primed and ready to go int he morning, and I made……….10 times more pulled pork than was necessary.
Not my best work, and I’ve eaten enough pork in the last few days to make my colon pray for greens of any sort. I’ve even had to evacuate away from home, a first since the arrival of the Starship Pooptanic.
Onward and upward.
We open on young Agent Silva as a child. She attempts to rescue the family cat from the tree and falls from the top. Is this what drove her to become a federal agent? Now, Agent Silva observes the Fuzzy Wipes factory from a high vantage point and spots a way in.
Cut to Shirtless, tied and gagged with toilet paper. But….Shirtless is not shirtless! This, you see, is his one weakness. Brother Bear intends to squash his head, but the baddie factory owner makes his entrance. He proceeds to expose his evil plans to cut down the forest while taking a dump on a golden throne right in front of hero.
Bears may shit in the woods, but bad guys crap on golden thrones.
He has used the magical bacon to hypnotize the bears and sent the strongest to attack the human cities. While Shirtless was distracted with them, he cut down the forest Shirtless was protecting.
The baddie and Brother Bear make their exit, and Silva arrives, disguised in a bear mascot uniform to free Shirtless, and to remove that danged shirt zapping hist strength.
They find the factory full of enslaved bears working on the assembly line, including Shirtless’ Mama Bear! No time to rescue them, as Silva and Shirtless have to fight their way out, taking refuge in a nearby cave after escaping via helicopter.
There, Shirtless strips Silva out of her bear suit and tells her the story of what happened to his love, Clementine. He fell in love with her, but Brother Bear hated humans and was jealous of Shirtless’ strength, so he convinced the other bears he was a traitor.
But the real danger was Clementine’s brother, Jaxson Logger, who also happens to be the baddie factory owner!
He locked her up in their home, but Clementine escaped and ran to the forest. Before she found him….Brother Bear and his goons found her. That was the end of Clementine and the start of Shirtless’ war with bears. He returned to the forest to resume protecting it because it is his sacred duty.
Their conversation is interrupted when Agent Burke shows up, having tracked the GPS in the helicopter. But he is not alone…he brought the bears! Traitor! It turns into a battle between Shirtless and Brother Bear, with Brother Bear blocking every Bear Punch, hurting Shirtless who finally has to escape up the river like a salmon, leaving Silva in the clutches of the bad guys.
Shirtless emerges up the river, battered and bleeding, only to discover the forest clear cut. A voice calls out from behind him, he whirls to release another Bear Punch when the voice registers.
Son…We need to talk.
The legacy of Shirtless Bear-Fighter will never die. The legacy of Shirtless Bear-Fighter has just begun.
THE TRUTH HAS SPOKEN
Reviewed by The Truth
Shirtless Bear-Fighter #3
Written by Jody Leheup and Sebastian Girner
Art by: Nil Vendrell, Mike Spicer, and Dave Lanphear
Published by Image Comics
Release Date: 8/23/17